I Know I’m Not a Very Good Friend Right Now, and I’m Sorry.

I’ve been writing this post for weeks now, putting off posting it and editing down… Avoid, avoid, avoid – it’s been my way lately. I should start out by saying I’m sorry, I haven’t been a very good friend. I’m not sure how many times it’s been that I’ve ignored your texts and calls, or made plans and cancelled, or lied because I’m not ready to talk about what’s been going on. If this sounds familiar, I’m not surprised because I’ve done it to so many of you.

Sometimes it’s easier for me to avoid my problems than to talk about them, or sometimes (in my case) I just can’t talk about them anymore. To be clear, I’m not saying my problems overshadow anything anyone else is going through, but I guess this is just how I’ve been coping.

I see you going through life, enjoying the weekends with your families, you’re happy. You’re making plans to celebrate Easter, or your friend’s baby shower, or even your own wedding. I promise you, I want to share all of these things with you, I want to be a part of all of the happiness you’re experiencing, but right now I can’t.

Or maybe you’re going through your own set of problems, you might be fighting your own demons and just trying to cope. Maybe, you know exactly what I’m going through and could offer some sound advice. You might even be going through something really similar right now and maybe we could comfort each other. I’m sorry I haven’t reached out, and I’m sorry I haven’t rescheduled the 3rd lunch date I’ve cancelled. I promise I’ll be back, and I will do better.

Sometimes I wonder if there will be day where I don’t have a pit in my stomach. I also wonder when a phone call will just be a phone call; not an update or worse yet, disappointing news.

It might look like I’m fine – posting pictures, playing outside with my cute kiddo, planning a vacation… well, truth be told I’m getting pretty good at putting on a smile and faking it.

I’m working on it though, I’m focusing on making each day the best I can, despite the setbacks. I’m working towards having happier days – including laughter and slowly, get-togethers and phone calls and returned text messages.

So, I promise I’ll be better – I want to be. I have one thing to ask – please try to be patient because I know it’s not going to happen overnight. If you can do that – I promise you I’ll be back soon.

Lots of love, Martha

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Wisconsin wife and mama to Dane (4) and expecting baby girl in May. Navigating life post-cancer. Lover of food, red wine and laughs. Forever grateful for my wonderful life.

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