I am so dang emotional right now. Anything, and I mean anything could literally set me off on an uncontrollable crying fit. I’ve cried so much in the past few weeks you could water our desert-dry lawn with my many tears. I’m so exhausted. Like, so SO exhausted. Are you tired of reading that word? How about one more time for good measure…. Martha is exhausted.
No, this isn’t physically as hard as it was with the first part of my treatment – way back in May and June but it’s close. Those days were so hard but I still had a little spark that kept me going. I worked out to fight fatigue, and usually did feel better. Now? I just can’t. I just got home from my favorite Monday yoga class (the only one I can really physically handle lately), and I’m done. It took everything I had today to not pass out or puke during a normally very easy and relaxing class. Hello couch, we’ll be good friends all day.
My body is tired and beat up. I’m so sensitive to the sun these days that I can’t even be outside for 15 minutes without rashes appearing. The neuropathy is creeping in more and more and little things like buckling Dane’s carseat are becoming more of a challenge. My fingers and toes tingle non-stop and sometimes go totally numb… depending on how I’m sitting. It’s so weird and I PRAY won’t be permanent because just no.
The heating pad has a permanent place on our couch and in our bed because my bones ache, my back hurts and I’m constantly cold. And don’t even get me started on this summer heat…. GO AWAY!!!!! I just want to go outside without breaking out in hives, thanks. When it finally cools off enough in the evenings for me to venture outside, the killer mosquitos are there to greet me and torture my already sad skin. Ugh.
The worst part of all though I think is how hard I have to work to keep my head on straight. I’m so frustrated that we just spent our entire summer avoiding sun, fun, alcohol, and every ‘summer’ thing I love. I hate that I wasn’t well enough to hang out and take Dane to festivals or see the fireworks or even just walk downtown for a few hours and check out fall fest. I feel sad for all the things we missed out on – weddings, boat days with friends, family parties and just living in the moment. I’m really sad because last weekend we were suppose to go on a surprise overnight getaway – just Casey and I to celebrate our anniversary. I should have known, but we had to cancel. That sucked.
I miss my hair, I miss my eyelashes and eyebrows, I miss being able to exercise, I miss cooking for my family, I miss feeling joy without limitations, I miss my dad, I miss my even skin tone, I miss working, I miss having the energy to play with Dane, I miss my clear head, I miss being able to concentrate. I miss everything about pre-cancer me. Sometimes I worry she’s gone for good.
I know this post sounds whiny and I’m complaining, but I’m just so ready for this part to be over. I’m very close – with Wednesday being my last chemo infusion. I know I only have one more hard weekend ahead and the end is so near. I’m trying to be positive but I’m just not anymore. I’m done. Usually I would end this post with something uplifting to try and pull my sorry ass out of this rut, but I just don’t have the energy today. Maybe tomorrow…