The Truth About the Final Weeks of Chemo

I am so dang emotional right now. Anything, and I mean anything could literally set me off on an uncontrollable crying fit. I’ve cried so much in the past few weeks you could water our desert-dry lawn with my many tears. I’m so exhausted. Like, so SO exhausted. Are you tired of reading that word? How about one more time for good measure…. Martha is exhausted.

No, this isn’t physically as hard as it was with the first part of my treatment – way back in May and June but it’s close. Those days were so hard but I still had a little spark that kept me going. I worked out to fight fatigue, and usually did feel better. Now? I just can’t. I just got home from my favorite Monday yoga class (the only one I can really physically handle lately), and I’m done. It took everything I had today to not pass out or puke during a normally very easy and relaxing class. Hello couch, we’ll be good friends all day.

My body is tired and beat up. I’m so sensitive to the sun these days that I can’t even be outside for 15 minutes without rashes appearing. The neuropathy is creeping in more and more and little things like buckling Dane’s carseat are becoming more of a challenge. My fingers and toes tingle non-stop and sometimes go totally numb… depending on how I’m sitting. It’s so weird and I PRAY won’t be permanent because just no.

The heating pad has a permanent place on our couch and in our bed because my bones ache, my back hurts and I’m constantly cold. And don’t even get me started on this summer heat…. GO AWAY!!!!! I just want to go outside without breaking out in hives, thanks. When it finally cools off enough in the evenings for me to venture outside, the killer mosquitos are there to greet me and torture my already sad skin. Ugh.

The worst part of all though I think is how hard I have to work to keep my head on straight. I’m so frustrated that we just spent our entire summer avoiding sun, fun, alcohol, and every ‘summer’ thing I love. I hate that I wasn’t well enough to hang out and take Dane to festivals or see the fireworks or even just walk downtown for a few hours and check out fall fest. I feel sad for all the things we missed out on – weddings, boat days with friends, family parties and just living in the moment. I’m really sad because last weekend we were suppose to go on a surprise overnight getaway – just Casey and I to celebrate our anniversary. I should have known, but we had to cancel. That sucked.

I miss my hair, I miss my eyelashes and eyebrows, I miss being able to exercise, I miss cooking for my family, I miss feeling joy without limitations, I miss my dad, I miss my even skin tone, I miss working, I miss having the energy to play with Dane, I miss my clear head, I miss being able to concentrate. I miss everything about pre-cancer me. Sometimes I worry she’s gone for good.

I know this post sounds whiny and I’m complaining, but I’m just so ready for this part to be over. I’m very close – with Wednesday being my last chemo infusion. I know I only have one more hard weekend ahead and the end is so near. I’m trying to be positive but I’m just not anymore. I’m done. Usually I would end this post with something uplifting to try and pull my sorry ass out of this rut, but I just don’t have the energy today. Maybe tomorrow…

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Wisconsin girl, blogger, wife and mama. Lover of food, red wine and laughs

10 thoughts on “The Truth About the Final Weeks of Chemo

  1. My Dearest Niece,

    Your family on this side of the puddle marvel at your continued strength. It’s a shitty deal but for some reason this trial has been placed in front of you. So far you have managed to figure out a way to get back in front of it. It’s trite and silly at this point to say “keep a stiff upper lip” so I’ll just say this…know that everyone loves you and you should take as much of this love as you need.

    YOU ARE AWESOME!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. From one survivor to another, you are entitled to have low days and they will pass. What helped me was knowing I was a mom and wife. Dusty was young and I wasn’t ready to not be there. Honest truth, your life won’t be like it was before but you can make it better moving forward – a new better. Hang in there and listen to your body. Rest when you need to and don’t sweat the small stuff. I still have days where stupid things depress me but then I take a deep breath and look at what the key things are in my life. I’m praying for you and I hope this helps you a little. I know each cancer survivor has their own unique struggles. But if you ever just need someone to yell scream or vent to I’m available. Stay strong, attitude is everything.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Dawn. You inspire me so much in your strength and how you go through life. I appreciate all of your encouragement and advice through this journey, it means so much to me. I know life will never be the same, and I know I’ll be okay. I just can’t wait. ❤️

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  3. Oh Martha I am so sorry you are going through this and having these feelings. Remember God will only give you what you can handle. It is ok that you are feeling this way as cancer sucks and is not fun. You will get through this and be stronger in the end. Thinking of you . Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Martha,
    This in no way sounds whiny or like you’re complaining-you’re grieving. I know because I’m grieving too. 2015 was my year of breast cancer treatment-chemo, surgeries (and my final surgery was 2017 so it drug on a bit!)
    I was sad during treatment and emotional and foggy brained like you explained. But I feel that I’m still grieving some things and struggling a bit with the “new normal”.
    If you ever want to talk please feel free to reach out. You aren’t alone in this and cancer can be so isolating at times…blessings and strength to you, and JOY as you take your final treatment and begin the life “after”.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve walked in your shoes just a year ago and it does get better I promise! From no hair and no eye lashes and eyebrows to thicker hair than I’ve ever had! Please email me and I’ll give u the recipe! And I had the same neuropathy in my hands and feet and I couldn’t even put my hands in water at all but it’s gone now! And I list my taste buds and couldn’t taste any food but I can now! So many things are better! You will get better! Just x off your last chemo with a big red x snd celebrate its your last!!! I wish I could be there to hold your hand!

    Liked by 1 person

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