I’m very aware of how long it’s been since I’ve written… the longest in fact, since this blog’s very beginning three years ago. I can’t tell you how many people have reached out saying they miss my blogs and updates.
I have my reasons for being so absent of course. Mainly I’ve been busy readjusting to this life post-cancer. I’ll admit that it has not been an easy few months.
It’s a constant dichotomy between feeling happy/thankful/blessed to be here and working and carrying on like a perfectly normal person who didn’t just evade dying of cancer, and my brain feeling like mashed bananas nonstop.
I’m working on getting back into a routine at work, finding a good balance with home life and parenting, and reminding myself to put my health first in a once-again chaotic and busy world.
Let me tell you this, my friends: life after cancer is weird. On one hand, I look normal, (well with the exception of my insane hair), I function like an actual human being and I’m keeping up with all.the.things. My days feel like they use to, lists of to-dos, meal planning and trying to find the motivation to exercise. Gone are the days of treatments and tests. It’s very structured now, and I so appreciate that.
On the other hand, I feel like all the “normal” is a bit of an act. I’m trying really hard to fool people around me into thinking I’m good; I’m back. I GOT THIS. But the truth really is, I’m fooling myself a little bit too.
One of the truest truths I’ve learned so far is that I’m allowed to not be 100%. It’s okay for me to struggle to understand something I once tackled with ease. For example, I use to be great at using Photoshop. Not an expert by any means, but efficient. A couple of weeks ago I opened the program at work to edit a template for one of our social media accounts and my brain went blank. The edit was two steps, but I hadn’t a clue where to start. Thanks to Google, I got there, but I beat myself up over it for a long time.
That’s what chemo does.
I feel like it made me DUMB. I have a hard time remembering names, or I find myself asking, “what’s that called when….” a lot. I hate it. I struggle especially with technical things (like Photoshop) or focusing long enough to sit down and write a blog. Maybe that’s why I’ve been putting off writing for so long, I’m not sure. Either way, I know that I can’t kill myself trying to be the same person I was before cancer.
Either way, I’m working through it and I wanted you guys to know that. Slowly, this blog will gain steam again…I promise. Sending my love.