Here I Am. Back Again.

One of my goals for this new year is to embrace my creativity. Read more books, listen to more podcasts and write more. I’ve been ignoring Staying Martha since May, which was sort of intentional but ended up making me a sad.

Whenever I thought about my blog, I would immediately get this feeling of overwhelming guilt because I hadn’t shared my writing in so long and then it go to this point where I wondered if I should even pick it back up or if it was a lost cause. It turns out, I don’t think Staying Martha is over – in fact, I think that it might be the piece I’ve been missing in my healing during this readjustment phase in my life.

Last year was one of major growth for me. I had to try and figure out how to transition back to “normal” life post-cancer – which included going back to work full time, establishing a healthy routine and figuring out where I fit in the cancer community. It was overwhelming and confusing, but I finally feel like I’m in a good space and ready to share my life and journey again.

One of thing things people probably don’t know is that I am constantly worried about jinxing myself, as dumb as it sounds. I struggled a lot this past year with sharing because I was worried if I did – if I embraced a piece of good news or hit a goal – I would be setting myself up for the universe to shit on me. So, what did I do? I didn’t share, at least not here. I would put little bits out there on Instagram stories but those are gone after 24 hours… so it’s different, I guess. I went from sharing every single detail at length to radio silence and I don’t think that quite works for me.

I was petrified that announcing the great news I got from my oncologist about my blood counts would cause the cancer to wake up and creep back in. It was always there in the deepest corner of my brain waiting to cloud my happy thoughts. That’s really tough to get past.

There actually were a few times I sat down and tried to express how I was feeling, and those posts still sit in draft mode to this day. I might try to clean them up and find a way to share because I think they’re extremely great posts, just not really what I’m going through anymore.

So, in honor of the new year, I’m taking a big step and sharing a quick recap of how things are going, and repeating to myself: I’m not jinxing myself, I’m not jinxing myself.

1. I had my regular check-in with my oncologist on Monday. My labs came back perfect, and everything is cheery. In April I will be 2 years out from my diagnosis – which, according to my Dr. is a very big milestone with triple negative breast cancer.
2. For those who don’t know – I broke my arm pretty severely in August. Freak accident and not related to chemo or anything like that. Just unlucky. I had surgery to repair the bone and am now part robot. It’s healing pretty well, but I still deal with nerve pain and my range of motion isn’t back to 100%. I’m considering going back to physical therapy but I’m stubborn. (Not) fun fact – my body makes keloids when it scars, so that’s something we’re dealing with. If you don’t know what that means, essentially my body goes into overdrive and creates extra scar tissue. The scar is wicked, so a few weeks ago we tried injecting steroids into it to try and help decrease the redness and sensitivity. Hoping to see improvement with time.
3. I am feeling at peace with the miscarriage I had in October. Even though it is still incredibly painful to think about, I know my body wasn’t ready to grow a healthy baby. We now have two angels in heaven watching over us and I hope, hanging with my dad.
4. I’m about to complete my 100-day workout program through BeachBody. I’m very very proud of myself for sticking with something so long and making my health a priority. One of the best ways to reduce risk for recurrence of breast cancer is to be physically active. Last year I made exercise a part of my everyday life and I haven’t looked back.
5. I still love to cook and am enjoying being back in the kitchen after so long because of stupid chemo and then the broken arm. I actually reference my blog for old recipes all the time (which is another reason I love having it), so I’m going to try and get back to those too.

Anyway, all that just to say I’m back. I’m going to try and make this blog a place where people can come to learn more about how one girl is surviving life post-trauma and maybe it can help them too. Happy New Year!